Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND.

A friend passed this on to me, it is hilarious, do read…
This is the best and most civil way to have a fight between a husband and wife instead of resorting to physical force…

Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND.
~ Garry ~

WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn’t it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in a zoo.
Don’t feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you

AND THE SAGA CONTINUES……..

Position of a Husband Is just like a Split AC

No matter however Loud he is in the Outdoor

He is designed to remain Silent indoor…

……………………………………………………………

“Husband is one who is the head of the family,

but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes.”

………………………………………………………………

A man in Hell asked Devil:

Can I make a call to my Wife?

After making call he asked how much to pay.

Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.

……………………………………………………….

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!

Wife: No darling, it means – With Idiot For Ever

…………………………………………………………………

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I’d be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one every day.

………………………………………………………..
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.

Wife: When must I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you
………………………………………………………….

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are..

Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.
…………………………………………………………..

Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?

Husband: A lovely Push…!

and the life goes on……..

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CHINESE MEDICINE

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use protection all the time. A week after arriving Back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find His wedding tackle covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The Doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor Says: “I’ve got bad news for you —you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says: “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers: “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your pride and joy.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.”

The doctor replies: “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, Figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his pride and joy and proclaims:

“Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease.”

The guy says to the doctor: “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor Wants to operate and amputate it!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: “Stupid Amelican docta always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!”

Oh, Thank God!” the man replies.

“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor, “You no worry! Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself!”

GOD IS MISSING

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief
occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in
disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The
preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see
the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming
voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where
God is, son?”

The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there
wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is
God?! Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

The preacher raised his
voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE
is GOD?!”

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his
closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in
the closet, he asked, “What happened?”

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble
this time!” “GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!”

THE PASTOR ASS

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered
tit in the race again and it won again.

 

The local paper read:

PASTOR’S
ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

 

The next day the local paper headline read

BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR’S
ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.

 

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.


The Bishop was buried the next day.

 

The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and
you’ll be a lot happier
and
live longer!

GOING TO HEAVEN

Father Murphy goes into a local bar in Dublin and approaches the first man he sees.

“Do you want to go to Heaven?” he asks and the man says, “Indeed I do, Father.” “Then for God’s sake,” commands the priest, “leave this pub right now.”

He then goes to the next man,

“Do you want to go to Heaven, my son?” And the man answers, “Yes Father, indeed I want to do that very thing.” “Then ye must get out of this pub right now!” orders the priest.

Father Murphy continues this throughout the pub until he comes to the last man. “Do you want to go to Heaven, man?!” exhorts the priest.

The man looks at his half-full beer, turns, looks at Father Murphy and says, “No, I don’t,Father.” “You mean to tell me, young man, that when you die, you don’t want to go to Heaven?” asks the priest incredulously. “Oh, well, when I die, yes Father, I certainly do. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now!”

NUN AT THE AIRPORT

A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER  FLIGHT TO MELBOURNE.

 SHE LOOKED OVER INTHE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THATTELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, ‘I’LLGIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS  ME.’

SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER COIN  IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ,  ‘YOUARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 70KG, AND YOU ARE GOING TOMELBOURNE.’

 

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE  TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE  SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT  ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED  TO TRY IT AGAIN  SHE  WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER COIN  IN, AND OUT  CAME  A CARD THAT READ:

‘YOU ARE A NUN, YOU  WEIGH 70KG, YOU ARE GOING TO MELBOURNE AND  YOU  ARE  GOING TO PLAY A VIOLIN.’

 

THE NUN SAYS TO  HERSELF, ‘I KNOW THAT IS WRONG – I HAVE NEVER  PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MYLIFE.’ SHE SAT BACK DOWN.

 

FROM OUT OF  NOWHERE A MAN CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING  HIS VIOLIN CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN  THEM.WITHOUT  THINKING, SHE OPENED THE MAN’S CASE, TOOK OUT  THE VIOLIN, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL  MUSIC.  

SURPRISED  AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE  MACHINE, THINKING, ‘THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I’VE GOT  TO TRY THIS AGAIN.’

BACK  TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER COIN,  AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, ‘YOU ARE A  NUN, YOU WEIGH 70KG , YOU ARE GOING TO MELBOURNE  AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.’ NOW SHE KNOWS  THE MACHINE IS WRONG ,AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF,  ‘I’VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME  IN MY LIFE.’ BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE  SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP  HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE  WIND.

ABSOLUTELY  STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE  MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, ‘THIS IS TRULY  REMARKABLE. I’VE GOT TO TRY  THIS  AGAIN.  SHE  WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE,PUT IN ANOTHER  COIN  AND  ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.

IT  READ: ‘YOU  ARE A NUN,YOU  WEIGH 70KG, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND  AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO  MELBOURNE.’

WHAT CHEF’S DO WHEN THEY’RE BOARD

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