“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Reinhold Niebuhr

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“One of the greatest discoveries a man makes, one of his great surprises, is to find he can do what he was afraid he couldn’t do.”

Henry Ford

 

“To dream anything that you want to dream. That’s the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that you want to do. That is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits. That is the courage to succeed.”

Sources: Bernard Edmonds

CURSING FISH

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, “Give it a shot, father.”

After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, “Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!”

The priest says, “Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?”

The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), “I’m sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called—a sonofabitch!”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the priest. “I didn’t know.”

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. “Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!”

“Please father,” says the bishop. “Mind your language, this is a house of God.”

“No, you don’t understand,” says the priest. “That’s what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!”

“Hmmm,” says the bishop. “You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner.”

So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.

“Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight with the Pope?”

“My lord, what language!” says the mother.

“No, sister,” says the bishop. “That’s what the fish is called—a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we’d like you to cook it”

“Hmmm,” replies Mother Superior. “Yes, I’ll cook that sonofabitch tonight.”

While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it.

“I caught the sonofabitch!” says the priest.

“And I cleaned the sonofabitch!” says the bishop.

“And I cooked the sonofabitch!” says Mother Superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, “You know, you fuckers are all right.”

FEET FIRST

One day little Danny was in Sunday School, and the preacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first. 

Susie said your heart, ’cause you need it to love.

Richie said your head, ’cause you need it to think.

Little Danny raised his hand and the pastor called on him reluctantly. Danny said, “Your feet.”

Confused, the pastor asked why.

Danny replied, “I was walking past my mom’s room last night and she had her feet in the air and then she screamed, “Oh God, I’m coming!”

Drunk and Arthritis

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, ”Father, what causes arthritis?”

‘Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,” the priest replied. ”Imagine that,” the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: ”I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” ”I don’t have arthritis, Father,” the drunk said, ”but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.”

The Confession

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.

“Oh, no,” said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. “Was it with Marie Brown?”

“I’d rather not say who it was.”

“Was it with Betty Smith?”

“I’d rather not say,” says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe’s friend asks if he received absolution.

“Yes, and two very good leads!”

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